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Jigga_my_Nigga
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Name: Jason
Location: Berkeley, California, United States
Birthday: 1/11/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: learning, music and friends
Expertise: I'm good at talking a lot...obviously.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  jcorn17
Member Since:
2/27/2003
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| this is the last entry for this site. I've decided to move on from xanga since this site started with me at berkeley and now that I'm living in Arizona in a new epoch of my life I've decided I need a new blog. you can follow at http://adesertlimbo.blogspot.com/
peace. | | |
| 29 more days. All I have left in the Bay Area are 29 days. I can't believe its coming to an end. I wasn't able to find a job and unemployment is running out. I've given my Notice to Vacate to my landlord and on the 31st of this month I need to be all out of the house. Its crazy to think about leaving this place. The Bay Area has been my home for a little over 9 years now. That's a full third of my life. Incredible. It is incredible, the Bay Area is an amazing place and the people I've met while living here are outstanding individuals. There is so much to say, so much I want to say but first I should give thanks, ya?
I'm so incredibly thankful to the Bay Area for being such a wonderful environment to mature in and become the person I am today. I've had so many wonderful adventures and experiences due entirely to the location I find myself in. A world of opportunities is what the Bay is to me and I've been lucky to partake in many amazing opportunities that otherwise wouldn't have been available to me. Thanks to all the places I've gotten to visit while living up here: Albany, El Cerrito, Richmond, Oakland, San Francisco, Marin, San Rafel, Vallejo, Navato, Pinole, Emeryville, Palo Alto, Pleasington, Dublin, Tracy, Livermore, Gilroy, San Jose, Santa Cruz, Cupertino, Fremont, Newark, Sacramento, Davis...heck even Modesto. I can't imagine my maturation process having gone any better in a different locale, I've truly come into myself as a person up here and I have an incredible assortment of friends to thank for that. How do I thank people for being themselves? How do I express gratitude for people who have simply been themselves without pretensions and given so much of what makes them remarkable? I count as friends people from all walks of life, nationalities, ethnicities, cultures and socio-economic backgrounds. I don't believe in god, but to say this time spent here has been anything less than a blessing would be a lie. There is no better word to describe my experience - I've been blessed in being here and having the friends that I do. Its a wonderful feeling to be loved and I will miss the proximity I enjoy to all of these wonderful people who love me so much, but I know that their love will not diminish with my moving away. That's the most reassuring feeling in the world.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't heart broken in having to leave. I'm devastated. I'm leaving my home. The Bay Area is my home, its more a home to me than San Diego, its more a home to me than Arizona. I became me up here. For the rest of my life this place will hold a special significance to me - it will always be home even if I live somewhere else. Over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about all the things I'm going to miss about the place. Somethings I can find in other places, but many are in Tangible - its just the unique atmosphere of the Bay that give some aspects of my life no other equivalent. One of the things I'll miss most about living up here is seeing concerts with Chris. For 5 years we've lived together, for 5 years we've gone to concerts together. I've been exposed to so much music that I never would have heard of if it wasn't for Chris. I've seen some amazing live performances that have left an indelible mark on me and I have him to thank for that. He's been like a brother to me for 5 years...I know that relationship won't change but its sad knowing that I won't have that closeness anymore.
I'll miss Kellie. I'll miss her so much. I've grown to love her like I've never loved anyone before. I can't believe I'm not going to be here with her anymore. I've dealt with the idea of not being here and leaving behind my friends. but I haven't dealt with the idea of leaving her. I can't think about that yet. it makes me so incredibly sad to think about moving away from her. this is the best relationship I've ever had. we don't have any big issues, she is such an easy person to get along with...its been an amazing time. how do I leave her behind? I just can't deal with that.
I never thought I'd leave the Bay. Honestly the thought of moving somewhere else and starting over never occurred to me. Perhaps this is for the best. Maybe things will head in a better direction financially for me than they have while I've been living up here. And maybe one day I'll be able to move back up here and continue where I left. I hope so, either way I just hope things go ok for me cuz its been a while since things have been ok. The only reason I'm still around at all is because I have the solid group of friends that I do and whenever I've thought about giving up I've thought of them and how that would effect them. You guys are my reason for living. I don't have my family up here, they are 800 miles and a phone call away. So for 9 years you guys have been my family, that's how I see you. Thank you for being my rock, my foundation, my impetus. I know that sounds hella cliched but its true.
So this isn't goodbye so much as its an indefinitely postponement of hello. I'll see you later. | | |
| I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm still looking for work and I've been searching pretty much everything. I get leads here and there but I've been pretty discouraged. really depressed. I have the same thought quite often of running away. how or where I haven't the slightest clue. its an urge. that or dying. not in the "I want to kill myself way" but in the "god I wouldn't be so stressed anymore" way. its not healthy. I've been doing whatever I can to try to take my mind off my own problems. I've focused a lot of my attention on my girlfriend. she is great. very supportive. and I've been trying to do more involved things with my friends. not just sitting around talking but being at an event, doing something together. I'm thinking I'm going to have to move to Arizona and be with my mom until I can get a self sustaining job. the prospect of that has me so freaked out. I know going there will eat away at me, it will make me more depressed being away from all my friends. I love my family but I'll be honest, they stress me out more than anything. there is always an issue. my sister, my brother and my mom, my mom and her insistence on treating me like a child and having me talk to her as if I still was. I'm an adult but I'll always be her "baby boy" and as long as she sees me in that capacity she will forever expect me to treat her in a way that a child treats their mom and not as an adult treats their parents. I can't disagree with her without her thinking I'm being disrespectful. putting myself in that situation, being in the middle of the hot desert, being away from my salvation (my friends) would be more of a detriment to my psyche than struggling the way I am now.
all I need is a job that pays 20,000 a year. thats more than I'm getting from unemployment and I've managed to survive this way so a job with that much would do it. 20,000 a year isn't shit. working at Curtis and Tompkins I was making 30,000 a year. with my education, with my experiences I've yet to find a job. and there are people with more education, more experience that are in the same boat. how am I going to get out of this situation? every day I'm looking for a job. today I applied to 4 positions with the same company in 3 different locations. I've become pretty good at doing cover letters, my resume is pretty good. I'm confident in my interviewing skills...I've had one in person interview in over a year of looking. one. I completely understand now why many fathers were killing themselves and their whole families when this economic recession first hit. the thought "I'm not going to make it" creeps into my mind about once a day. every time I see a homeless person I think "thats me pretty soon." I understand my life could be worse. I could be homeless right now. I might be that way soon. my medication is going to run out soon. I've gone to a free clinic in oakland that was suppose to help me get the medicine I needed. they only had one kind of medicine for people with asthma, a medicine I don't need. they did write me a prescription for prednisone though. I'll use that, but its a last resort medicine because its a strong steroid, not a rescue inhaler. I can't take prednisone every day like I do my rescue inhaler, it would make me worse off. . what am I going to do when I run out of medicine? I've done the free clinic thing, I don't have the money to pay for expensive medicine out of pocket. I can't afford to live.
I tried this americorps job. I had a phone interview. they said they would pay an 800 a month living allowance. 800 a month. I told the guy that my rent was 800 alone, how was I suppose to pay bills and buy food? he said he couldn't help, I ended the interview. I really wanted to do a non-profit job because I want to help people. but I can't help people when I'm struggling myself.
as much as I want to give up, I just keep plodding along. I don't even know why anymore. I feel the longer I keep going the bigger the hole I'm digging for myself. the longer I go, the closer I get to having to move to Arizona and the more depressed I get. sometimes I think I should just cut my losses and leave now. but I can't, I have to give 30 days notice to move out. so I'm waiting on the first of august to give that. Congress passed extension of unemployment benefits, I might be able to stay here longer looking for jobs if I qualify for the extensions. but should I? why extend the inevitable?
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| I saw a dude getting head on the stage of Kelly's Mission Rock tonight. ya, I mean that was pretty awesome. just the fact that it was happening. and someone ripped the sink out from the wall in the men's restroom. not awesome but pretty damn interesting.
I guess those are highlights.
life has been interesting since the last time I updated.
since last I updated I found out some stuff I didn't want to know but glad I was informed none-the-less. told Kellie that I love her. got an A- in the class I was auditing. and still haven't found a job. life is interesting, very interesting. also managed to get a pinched nerve in my back and its been hurting for about 5 days now. I'm pretty concerned because it shouldn't be lasting this long and I should prob go see a doctor, but I can't. awesome. all this time I've been concerned that the next time I had to see a doctor would be for my asthma and here I am with a pinched nerve that is hurting like hell and a strained lower back muscle and my breathing is just fine.
oh ya, EDC in less than two weeks. deadmau5 here I come.
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| spider webs, lattice work, fine intricate connects, relations that are maintained by us the spider, master craftsmen, creator. each in their own world, connected to others in their sphere but destined to live their lives only truly knowing themselves. with the goal of one day sharing their self, their whole self, with someone else. searching indelibly for that ultimate connection, glowing white hot. two becoming one, separate but one.
that's the extreme truncated version of what I came up with yesterday while thinking intensely about life. life is my favorite pastime to consider. it isn't a preoccupation with the reasons behind life, or with the supernatural, or that matter any preconceived notions, categories, about what life is, no philosophical wanderings about destiny, just comprehension of what life is, in its totality, and the ways in which life, human life, interact. what it is to be "social" what it is to have "culture". the very real connections people make with the people around them, the way our minds are structured to live this life that we all share. each life is its own world. we say "the world doesn't revolve around you" I say that saying is misguided. in a very real way it does revolve around you. only you can live your life, the world can impact the way you live your life but its your life, no one can live it for you so since your life is your own, in a way, the world does revolve around you. each one of us.
music has always been important to me. I'd care to wager music is important to most people. but yesterday I gained a new appreciation for music, far beyond the one I've had which I thought was pretty intense already. life is a movie. a living breathing movie with actors and tragedy and drama and laughter and triumph, this movie/life needs a soundtrack. not the everyday noises of life - cars, construction, doors closing - but music, good ol' music that speaks to you. I'm so glad to have a portable music player. I'm so happy to have room speakers and a functional computer. and I've gained a deeper appreciation and love for those who go out of their way to create music that speaks to people on a level deeper than speech communication.
all this goes back to connections. making and keeping connections and knowing when to cut connections. unfortunately some people are seasonal, but those people were very important in the moment and although that connection might not be as great, they still mattered. so the connection in the network is changed from an active/live connection in the large web of our social sphere to a mark, a space that isn't active but that fills the space it once had with the memories of the total connection and worth, the value.
hm...something like that. I lost my train of thought. anyways, like all things, its still a work in progress
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